Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
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he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
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In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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