I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
