Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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