I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
