his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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