Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
