The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
