alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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