One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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