I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
