i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
