this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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