Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
