he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
