Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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