Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I showed him my bush... on skype.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
