I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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