just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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