Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
