Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
