I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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