the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
