I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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