we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
