Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
