Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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