The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
