I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
sarcasm needs its own font
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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