Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he fucked my hip out of place.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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