Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
