my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
