Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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