When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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