Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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