I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
