Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
either way he was missing a nipple.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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