The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
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I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
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Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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