I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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