Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
