i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
