Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
