i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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