dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
