i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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