I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
