New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
