omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
When did angry sex become our thing?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
