Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
