She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
