party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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