We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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