Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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