Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
