I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
