i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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