yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
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He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
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So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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